Actually yes, this is offensive. Only without the quotation marks.

[via, originally from the Boortz Blast...can you tell?]

No, I didn’t write this. I wish I did. Because it’s the painful truth. And you know how much I love to stir the puddin’. This list was actually forwarded to me from a friend of mine…Ain’t this the truth? -Neal Boortz

1. If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

2. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

3. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

4. If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

5. If a person of color is conservative, he sees himself as independently successful.
If a person of color is liberal, he sees himself as a victim in need of government protection

6. If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a liberal is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.

7. If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
If a liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those he doesn’t like be shut down.

8. If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
If a liberal is a non-believer, he wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

9. If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

10. If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs, and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor and then sues.

11. If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
If a liberal reads this, he’ll delete it because he’s “offended”.

Me again, your lovely ship’s Cap’n. I’ve taken the liberty of numbering these little laugh riots for easy reference. Here’s a short list of things I find offensive (sans quotation marks) about this friendly piece of spam…

-The use of male pronouns when referring to hypothetical people of any gender
-The implication that all conservatives are quiet, respectful and polite, and all liberals are rude, conniving bitches
-The implication that all conservatives have sensible, measured reactions to everyday events, while all liberals take everything to the extreme and make mountains out of molehills
-The implication that the conservative mindset is obviously superior to the liberal mindset
-The implication that all conservatives want is the freedom to live their life the way they want to, and all liberals want is the freedom to control everyone else’s lives for them
-The implication that people from other nations who disagree with us or don’t like us are therefore our “enemies” and should be dealt with accordingly…because the US must (and deserves to!) rule the roost
-The further implication that, since conservatism should be the default ideology and liberal the aberrant, liberal people are actually enemies of the US themselves and should also be dealt with accordingly (How dare you  not hate foreign people! Prepare to defend yourselves!)
-The implication that non-heteronormative people don’t deserve equal rights, they should be grateful for whatever scraps we throw them because as we all know, human rights don’t really exist. We should start using the term “human privileges”
-The implication that all people of color need to do to really be equal is vote Republican
-The implication that voting Republican is the roadmap to success for everyone, while voting Democrat is the road to hell
-The implication that conservatives love hard work and would work hard all day for free (unless, that is, you were giving their salary to someone else…) and liberals are lazy bums who watch television all day and can’t be bothered to get a job
-The implication that only conservative people have brains, and only liberal people can be leeches
-The implication that it’s always within a person’s grasp to lift themselves out of poverty, and therefore the poverty that still exists is evidence of some kind of moral failing
-The implication that it’s easy to find work…if one is lacking money, one simply needs to choose at leisure one of multitudes of available jobs
-The implication that all conservative people possess level heads, always remain calm, never lose their temper when faced with someone of an opposing political persuasion, while all liberals want to banish their opponents…from Planet Earth
-The implication that the only legitimate religion in the US is Christianity and all other religions are “foreign religions”
-The implication that adherents to said “foreign religions” should be content to see their religious freedoms and protections legislated away while we write Christianity into the Constitution and enforce it as the national religion
-The implication that being a Christian is somehow the same as being a patriotic American…God and the US of course are working toward the same goals! All the time!
-The implication that health care is neither a necessity nor a right that belongs to all of us as humans, but rather an exclusive luxury available only to those with big enough wallets, and that’s the way it should be
-The further implication that since health care isn’t a human right, we, the wealthy West, have no obligation to do anything about world crises (for example, AIDS)
-The implication that this whole email forward is hilarious and anyone who doesn’t think so is a lamo idiot who deserves to be put under house arrest so the rest of us don’t have to look at his or her ugly face anymore
-The implication that this whole email forward is true
-The unfortunate divisions and stereotypes this email forward does nothing but reinforce. It’s not us vs. them, blue vs. red. Or it shouldn’t be. And you wonder why we can’t accomplish anything?

What’s up with you, right-wingers?

You hate it when girls won’t wear dresses to formal dances. Sooo…the more girls wearing dresses, the better, right?

Wrong! You also hate it when too many members of the wedding party are wearing dresses!

So, um, what’s left? Oh, I know! I bet you’d be happy if everyone would only throw off the shackles of clothing and run around naked as the day they were born. Oh, but wait…darn! So what say you, right-wingers? What, exactly, ARE women allowed to wear?

Oh, I see, it’s not the outfits you have a problem with? So, hmm..when you refuse to let girls wear tuxes to school dances, it’s not really a fashion issue or in any way political, it’s just because you hate the girls.

Oh, but wait! you say. We don’t hate anyone! We hate the sin, love the sinner! Then, um, if you neither hate these people nor their clothing in itself, what’s your deal, hm? Go on, paint yourself in a corner. We’re going dancing, see you later.

WTF?!

I was browsing Missed Connections–don’t lie, you know you love it too!–and something someone said, not sure what it was, I believe it was a line of poetry–triggered one of those Google moments when it’s completely necessary to open just one more tab and pray Chrome doesn’t crash. Hahahha. So I Googled this literary line and ended up here. If this isn’t the stupidest (and also the saddest) product I’ve ever seen for sale, I don’t know what is.

Want to capture their heart? It’s easier than you think! Ignite the passion with LoveLettersNow. LoveLettersNow has dozens of originally written love letters and emails that you can send instantly, without having to write a single word! You can send or email the letters as they are, or add your own words and paragraphs. It’s a great alternative to greeting cards and perfect for those who have a tough time expressing their feelings on paper.

They also advertise it this way:

Introducing Your Love Letter Generator!
- 250+ Pre-Written Love Letters
- Extra Bonuses: 45 Love Poems
- Creative Ideas for Sending Letters
- Your Own User Password
- Unlimited LIFETIME Access
- Shhh…no one ever has to know you had our help!

And they continue: If you’re looking for inspiration to write your own love letter, here is a collection of love letters to inspire your romantic soul. All love letters have been submitted by RomanceStruck visitors.

Here, I’ll print a couple of ‘em for you. In case you want to copy off of them, too. I mean, an originally-written love letter’s an originally written love letter, right? How could your honey object? I know, right? So here’s one entitled “Long Distance Love.”

Dearest,

It is very important for me to express to you how much you really mean to me*. I wish I could do this in person while holding you in my arms and gazing into your eyes. But since we are physically separated by miles of emptiness, this expression must come in the form of letters such as this.

Dear, I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. Life seems to be full of trials of this type which test our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another. After all, it is said that “True Love” is boundless and immeasurable and overcomes all forms of adversity. In truth, if it is genuine, it will grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.

Dear, our love has been assaulted many times, and I am convinced that it is true because the longer I am away from you, the greater is my yearning to be with you again. You are my Charming Prince, and I am your devoted Princess. I cherish any thought of you, prize any memory of you that rises from the depths of my mind, and live for the day when our physical separation will no longer be.

Until that moment arrives, I send to you across the miles, my tender love, my warm embrace, and my most passionate kiss.

Love always,
Your baby

And here’s one submitted by Ashley Dunn, entitled simply, “I Love You.”

I Love You
I love every little thing about you –
Your sexy smile, the sound of your voice, the magic in your eyes. I love your gentle touch and the warmth I feel at your side … I love dreaming about you. And letting go with you. I love each and every once-in-a-lifetime moment I share with you. Today, tomorrow, forever.

*Just kidding, I’d MUCH rather shell out $39.95…for a love letter GENERATOR. That’s how much you mean to me, my love!

I can’t help but laugh, but at the same time I think it’s depressing and it also kind of scares me. This is being marketed to people who want to connect with the person they love. So they send this automated email, and suppose (ha!) that their magic person happens to fall in love with them. Only once again, just kidding, they’re really in love with LoveLettersNow! How fun! No “connection” ever occurred. What we’re looking at, my friends, isn’t love, it’s infatuation, and an unhealthy amount of it to boot.

I can’t decide what’s worst about this product..the fact that you’re encouraged to keep your copy/pasting skillz a secret so your lover stays in love? The fact that every letter is completely generic and could legitimately be sent to every person in the world? The fact that apparently there are people out there who are so desperate for even the illusion of affection that they’ll send away for something so ridiculous, Ali Hakim would have been embarrassed to sell it? The fact that an emotional connection–that love!–isn’t for sale but people still try to sell it? Ugh.

In case you’re interested, this lovely little item contains more than just “I love you so much I would be the Juliet to your Romeo” kind of letters that would make any sane person throw up. No, included in this package, you get all of the following! It’s so nice to know that you now have the option to send vague and hollow greetings and assurance of fondness to everyone you know, including your own children, your parents, your friends, your coworkers (AND your boss), the bright young grads you’re so proud of, service men and women, and that guy you were juuuuust introduced to at that party. I’m sure they will all appreciate your completely thoughtless and entirely meaningless gesture of nothingness.

- Enduring Love
- Erotic
- Love and Laughter
- Famous Celebrity
- Just Met
- Valentine’s Day
-  First Time “I Love You”
- Wedding
- Friendship
- Long Distance Romance
- Secret Admirer
- Expressions of Gratitude
- Unrequited Love
- I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me
- Love at the Office
- Breaking Up
- Love On-Line
- Child to Parent
- Parent to Child
- Lunch Box Notes to children
- Love Fantasy
- Anniversary
- Birthdays
- Graduation
- Military In Love
- Support For Our Military
- Mother’s Day
- Father’s Day

To COMPLETELY FLIP THIS POST AROUND, you wanna see the absolute coolest and most heartwarming way I’ve ever seen to try to say the L-word to someone you dig? This post. Right here. Hands down, my favorite.

It’s time to go public with some of this crap:

These are emails that once passed back and forth between my ex and me. Yes, they’re legit. Unedited. Obviously, names removed.

(Background: I informed him that I was upset by his extremely misogynist comment about Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, as well as his sexist comment that one of his friends had gotten a job, an apartment, and a car, and all he needed now was a wife–the last possession to make his life complete, as well as his sexist comments about me, my friends, and women in general)

Ex: “i’m standing up for myself now,
its bs that you want me for who i am,
you may like somethings but its not enought of me to matter,
and i’m not going to speek to you one way because you want me to,
your going to have to want me becuace of the way i am, got it?”

Me: “lol. I’m standing up for MYself now. You don’t get to make decisions about Talia. You get to make decisions about [ex]. If you want to even be friends, you cannot say that again. If it does happen again, that is the end of any possibilities you could have ever had with me. There isn’t a way I want you to talk to me, except civilly, which so far you have failed at. If you can’t even refrain from making destructive comments that I have asked you I don’t know how many times not to say to me..because they hurt me..then close the door behind you on your way out. I believe I’m worth more than the way you treat me and the garbage you talk. If you don’t like that, fine. If you don’t agree, fine. If you think you haven’t been treating me like crap, fine. But I do, and I’m making the decisions and the rules about me, NOT you and not anyone else.”

Ex: “did you get what i said or no?
i’m going to talk to you the way i know how, if its destructive and if its not what you want then, maybe its how i talk, and its apart of me, yes i dont want to hurt you,  but maybe you need someone else who can talk better then me, okay?”

Me: “Apparently you didn’t get what I said.
In case you didn’t, let me run it by you one more time.
What happens now is up to you. I made the decision that if you continue to be a hurtful person to me, the end of the friendship. Now it’s your turn to make a decision: you can either shape up or keep going. You can do whatever you want. Nobody’s trying to make you do anything or CHANGE FOR THEM, but you will have consequences no matter what choice or non-choice you make. You will always have consequences–stop trying to blame them on me.
I am not saying, “Stop hurting me.” I know better than that now, because it’s clear you couldn’t stop now even if you wanted to. I AM saying that you will either stop or you will not be a part of my life.”

Ex: “why dose there have to be consequences?”

…He wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Something refreshing! “Murder has no religion”

["Murder has no religion" by Arsalan Iftikhar, international human rights lawyer, founder of TheMuslimGuy.com, contributing editor for Islamica magazine in Washington]

Washington (CNN) — Most of the world’s 1.57 billion Muslims know that the Holy Quran states quite clearly that, “Anyone who kills a human being…it shall be as though he has killed all of mankind….If anyone saves a life, it shall be as though he has saved the lives of all mankind.”

Accordingly, it should come as little surprise to any reasonable observer that when Army Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan recently committed his shocking acts of mass murder at Fort Hood, Texas, America’s Muslim community of over 7 million felt an added sense of horror and sadness at this senseless attack against the brave men and women of the US armed forces.

True to form, many conservative media pundits wasted little time in pointing to reports that Hasan had said “Allahu Akbar” (Arabic for “God is great”) at the start of his murderous rampage. News coverage continuously showed the looping convenience store black-and-white videotape footage of Hasan wearing traditional white Islamic garb.

First of all, someone simply saying “Allahu Akbar” while committing an act of mass murder no more makes their criminal act “Islamic” than a Christian uttering the “Hail Mary” while murdering an abortion medical provider, or someone chanting “Onward, Christian Soldiers” while bombing a gay nightclub, would make their act “Christian” in nature.

Simply put; murder is murder and has no religion whatsoever.

Professor Juan Cole of the University of Michigan once wrote that, “One most certainly does insult Muslims by tying their religion to movements such as terrorism or fascism. Muslims perceive a double standard in this regard: Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols would never be called ‘Christian terrorists’ even though they were in close contact with the Christian Identity Movement. No one would speak of Christo-fascism or Judeo-fasicm as the Republican[s] … speak of Islamo-fascism….[Many people also] point out that [it was] persons of Christians of Christian heritage [who] invented fascism, not Muslims.”

According to Pentagon statistics, there were over 3,400 American Muslims serving in the active-duty military as of April 2008. The Wall Street Journal reported that many officials believe “the actual number of [American] Muslim soldiers may be at least 10,000 higher than the Pentagon statistics.”

Thus, with thousands of patriotic American Muslim women and men proudly serving in our United States Army in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, perhaps it would behoove our army leaders to consider sending a strong message of American unity by appointing an American Muslim to be a part of the prosecution team against Hasan.

This would help show that the mass murders allegedly committed by Hasan have nothing to do with the teachings of our religion.

The United States Army can send a resounding message to all Americans and the rest of the world that the social fabric of our country will never become unraveled by murderous (and irreligious) gun-wielding felons–whether it is a Muslim in Fort Hood, Texas, or a non-Muslim on a shooting rampage in an Orlando, Florida high-rise less than a day later.

By appointing a multicultural (and multireligious) legal prosecution team made up of military lawyers of all races and religions, we can set a good example to show the rest of the world that our American legal justice system is truly equal for all people, regardless of their race, religion or socioeconomic status.

The larger point is that Muslims in America completely disavow and wash our hands of any acts of murder (or terrorism) claimed to be performed in the name of our religion. Acts of mass murder, regardless of their time or place, are simply ungodly criminal acts that have no religion whatsoever.

And you thought the presidential campaign Cabbage Patch Kids were stupid?

Haha, you must not be aware of the Young Cons! A “rap” duo peddling the “love that’s behind the conservative movement,” they wear suits because, of course, they’re not “regular rappers.” Oh well. At least they admit they have an agenda..that’s progress, isn’t it? Actually no. There’s so many things wrong with this “song”, if you can call it that, I don’t even know where to start. I’m torn between pointing and laughing, and worrying about how many people actually think Jesus and Ronald Reagan are practically synonymous, for one thing. And I guess I forgot that even God’s an American…silly me!

Here’s the lyrics, haha. But I’m warning you ahead of time, they’re the worst rap lyrics I’ve ever heard, and in general I’m not too impressed with the genre, so take from that what you will.

[Serious C:]
Yo…one time…
I rep the Northeast and I’m still a young con,
Let your voice release, you don’t have to be Obamatrons.
I debate any poser who don’t shoot straight,
Government spending needs to deflate,
Your ideas are lightweight,
Ya careers in checkmate,
I frustrate. I increase the pulse rate.
I hate when
Government dictatin’, makin’ statements ’bout how to be a merchant,
How to run a restaurant, how to lay the pavement,
Bail out a business, but can’t protect an infant.
Deficiencies are blatant, young con treatment,
I stand one man, outnumbered at my college.
Thank you Miss Cali for reminding us of marriage.
Can’t support abortion and call yourself a Christian.
I support life, you’re a puzzled politician.
Terrorists were imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay,
Now they’re in our neighborhoods, planning out Doomsday.
No such thing as Utopia,
No government can control ya, baby ya.
Reap the benefits, hard work, self-reliant.
Listen to Stiltz, my dude’s a lyrical giant.
Yo Stiltz, make it two time…please.
[Stiltz:]
I’m 6′9″, head and shoulder above the rest.
Liberals playin’ checkers, I’m playin’ chess.
My conservative view is drill baby drill.
You can say you hate me but I’m praying for you still.
My dislike for thee most def is not hyperbole.
Taxes are the subject and I will spit them verbally.
I’m just livin’ life, a conservative philosophy.
Sorry Hillary, not a right-wing conspiracy.
We need more women with intellectual integrity.
I’m talkin’ Megyn Kelly, not Nancy Pelosi.
My main motto is you best work hard.
It’s not the hand you were given, but how you lay down your cards.
I don’t speak lies, but I spit the facts.
28%, the new capital gains tax.
Porkulus bill lacks a few stats.
The more money we spend, the more mine is worth jack.
The Bible says we’re a people under God, usin’ radar for radical jihad.
AIG was hooked up by Chris Dodd.
A classy gift ain’t an iPod.
The standards of my crew ain’t Republicans, dude.
I’m reppin’ Jesus Christ and conservative views.
Study history and true conservative moves,
Every single time they refuse to lose.
I’m starting to see a modern-day Jimmy Carter,
When really nothin’ but a Reagan-era starter.
[Serious C:]
Yo, we Americans, son.
Hit ya with some knowledge, the movement has begun.
Everyone can succeed because our soldiers bleed for us.
I said in in the verse, now I’ll say it in the chorus.
[Stiltz:]
We young conservatives, son,
Hard work is our motto.
The movement has begun.
Everyone can succeed ’cause our soldiers bleed daily.
My views are rock solid, no chance you can break me…
[Serious C:] Phase me, make me, into something that ain’t me.
Serious C…can’t nobody shake me.
Great like the Gatsby, poppin’ posers like acne.
Don’t matter if you’re gay, straight, Christian or Muslim,
There’s one thing we all hate, called socialism.
It’s loathsome, and America ain’t the outcome.
Raise taxes on the people,
And you’re gonna feel symptoms, problems.
I got a mesage for a young con:
Superman that socialism, waterboard that terrorism.
[Stiltz:]
I fulfill the role that’s inherently mine
Teaching politics through my rap and my rhyme.
I’m signing off on this track with a question in mind:
How will this country get its precious change in time?
Three things taught me conservative love:
Jesus, Ronald Reagan, plus Atlas Shrugged.
Saving our nation from inflation devastation.
On my hands and my knees praying for salvation.
[Serious C:]
Yo, we Americans, son.
Hit ya with some knowledge, the movement has begun.
Everyone can succeed because our soldiers bleed for us.
I said it in the verse, now I’ll say it in the chorus.
[Stiltz:]
We young conservatives, son.
Hard work is our motto.
The movement has begun.
Everyone can succeed ’cause our soldiers bleed daily.
My views are rock solid, no chance you can break me.

“A Pit Bull or a Pretender?” by Ellen Goodman

It’s probably dangerous to admit to a moment of empathy. I’ll either get disqualified from ever becoming a Supreme Court justice or asked to turn in my press card.

But after watching reruns of Sarah Palin’s resignation from the governorship, after hearing every grammatically-challenged sentence and inconsistent paragraph dissected by some talk show host, I started to (blush) feel her pain.

There was the frozen smile, the vulnerability, the odd grab bag of unfiltered, unedited, unintelligible un-reasons scattered across the lawn. Palin quit to avoid being a quitter. She cut and ran as an act of self-sacrifice. She left her job to serve her country.

It wasn’t like watching a car wreck. It was like watching a midlife meltdown. It was seeing her self-image as a strong, confident, ambitious woman shaken to the core. All that was holding her together was chewing gum, family, and a little righteous anger.

What had happened to Sarah the Barracuda? The pit bull with lipstick? The mother of five, moose killer and marathoner who juggled a BlackBerry and a breast pump?

Ten months ago, when John McCain picked her as his running mate, it was like starting a middle-school basketball star in the WNBA. No, the NBA*. As governor, she once remarked about an opponent’s ability to spout off facts and figures, “Does any of this really matter?” I was among those who harbored the “elitist” belief that a vice presidential candidate should know as much about public policy as, say, Katie Couric. Yet, I delighted in the fact that because of Palin, conservatives lashed out against “sexism,” the religious right described teen pregnancy as a “challenge,” and it became politically incorrect for the most reactionary Republican to criticize working mothers.

I never believed that it would be easy for Palin to go back to Alaska after the bright lights, big cities lure of a national campaign. But I didn’t expect this.

“Life is about choices,” she said. I guess her choices were: wrestling with a state Legislature, paying lawyers’ fees for ethics investigations, and putting her kids through the wringer. Or making a bundle as an author and speaking star before audiences that adore her.

It wasn’t only “the politics of personal destruction” that pushed Palin over the edge. It was the politics of personal adulation. Even in the aftermath of the resignation, one blogger for RedState.com actually described it as “Sarah Palin sounded just like us! … This is the reason she is wildly popular in the first place. She IS one of us.”

What fans loved about Sarah Palin was her perceived authenticity. She was repeatedly described as “real.” I think it’s what Palin believed about herself.

Even after her resignation, she described her role as governor, saying, “This is who I am. This is what I am.” But, forgive that gosh-darned empathy, this is a woman who hit a moment when she doesn’t really know who she is. Or what she wants.

There’s been a lot of comparisons made between Palin’s rambling resignation speech and Mark Sanford’s soul-baring confession of adultery. Sanford fell head-over-heels in love–”Despite the best efforts of my head, my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body”–in ways that made us squirm for him and Argentina. Palin fell in love with her star turn. What we see are two middle-aged politicians discovering in the most painfully public way that they may not be the people they thought they were.

Sanford is not the straight-laced conservative family man he thought he was. Palin is not the pit bull, lipstick on or off, she thought she was. The woman who wanted to win didn’t want to govern. And when the going got tough, she got going…going…gone.

There are some who say that this is a clever gamble to run for the presidency. Searching for clues for the future in this decision is a full-time media occupation. But I’m guessing she is clueless about what she wants next.

“All options are on the table,” she says. But ironically, the soon-to-be-ex-governor and speaker, author and celebrity has only one option. Authenticity? The only job left for Sarah the former Barracuda is to pretend to be a candidate for president. In the middle of a midlife meltdown, the quitter is now the teaser.

[source]

*Okay, let’s all grow up a little bit now. We have the NBA…and the WNBA? No. Can anyone say “afterthought?” Let’s have either/or. I suggest we start a new tradition of equal value. Let’s either have an NBA open to both sexes, or a WNBA and a MNBA. Hello?