“I would guess that any criticism about Wal-Mart could have some element of truth with 1,500,000 people.” -Lee Scott

Today I went to the Evil Place, and I’m not talking about Hell, I’m talking about Wal-Mart; I went in search of the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack (someone gave me a gift card for my birthday, and this presented itself to me as the perfect DIY birthday gift) and some little clips for the camera strap I’m going to make. This is how my trip went:

Takeoff. I approach the doors with dread, because from afar off I’ve noticed the two men with boxes of Tootsie Pops. One by the entrance, one by the exit. I am experienced enough in the world of tacky Christianity (and believe me, it is a world of its own. What’s more, the people there are proud of it) that though chances are good I’ve never seen these particular people before, I know what they’re up to. The man by the exit doors has co-opted an innocent passerby by enticing him with a Tootsie Pop. Suddenly he’s slipping him some papers and speaking very earnestly. The man by the entrance, of course, is free, and accosts me as I glide into the Evil Place. “Would you like to hear about our church?” he says. He is very earnest as well. “It could save your life!” I smile sweetly, decline, and inwardly giggle like a maniac…

Fail One. The problem with the music selection in the Evil Place (well, one of them) is that it’s entirely based on whatever’s most popular right this second. In other words, if you’re not after Lady GaGa or the soundtrack to 27 Dresses or something, you may want to look elsewhere. I still have hope, however, of finding the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack I’ve been aching for. After all, I’ve seen it there many times before. But alas, no such luck. Pride and Prejudice is so passé, so old hat. It no longer sparks interest of any kind. Everyone knows that. Of course, my cause is certainly not championed by the fact that there are exactly two rows of soundtracks, as opposed to God only knows how many rows and rows and rows of…everything else. Faiiiil.

Fail Two. I embark on the second phase of my journey, this time to the “craft” section–I say “craft” because it is impossible for me to call this an art section; and since the kind of creativity they tend to peddle in the Evil Place comes in kits, I feel “craft” is most generous; NOT to be confused with actual craft–in search of the little clips I mentioned earlier. I know exactly what I’m looking for. They don’t exist here in the Evil Place, of course, so too bad. But just in case, I ask the woman behind the cutting counter. She says no and immediately leads me to a rack of decorative trim and canvas tote bag handles. I say no, examine the Elvis handles (two designs!) with admiration, and turn to go.

Interlude. At this point, I am rounding the corner to return to what used to be the music section and has since been hijacked by video games. I have decided to ask someone who works here if there is a possibility the cd I am searching for is possibly stocked at another location. But there is no one here. I catch a whiff of–but that’s ridiculous. Not at Wal-Mart. I dismiss the deadly odor as a baby with a bad case of the dirty diapers. Suddenly a woman rushes past me (“Excuse meee!”), grabs an armful of plastic bags from the twirly triangle rack, spins on her heels, and runs back to wherever she came from. I sort of peek around the display of $5 dvds, and lo and behold! Someone has indeed defecated all over the floor! And the poor Wal-Mart man is cleaning it up. Turns out the culprit was a dog. A service dog in training, if my eyes serve me well, and if my other senses serve me as well, in need of training in some other areas too.

Fail Three. Some employees who have been watching the accumulating line of people waiting to be helped at the counter, while continuing to unload a cartload of crap (it’s a very technical term, not thrown around lightly! Oh no!) decide at their leisure they’d finally like to assist some of us. Maybe. If we behave. So one of them sidles over and asks what he can do for me. I ask if the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack could possibly be stocked in another store location. His answer? “Oh, no, if it’s not back there in the soundtracks, there’s nowhere else we would put it.” I throw my hands up in despair. Okay, so it was metaphorically..but still, I give up.

Landing. My trip to this godless hellhole commonly known as Wal-Mart ended with a gift of Reese’s from my father to me. (Haha, yes, he was there too, but running in separate circles. He only saw the service dog at its best angle!) Indeed, it was the only redeeming factor of a completely wasted (but entertaining) hour. Or, as I summarized to my sister later, they had exactly zero percent of what I was looking for, but on the plus side, a dog pooped in the store!

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2 Responses to ““I would guess that any criticism about Wal-Mart could have some element of truth with 1,500,000 people.” -Lee Scott”

  1. The Writing On The Wal » Blog Archive » JUST ANOTHER WALMART SHOPPER… Says:

    […] really does help to be able to maintain a good attitude about life. Blogger Talia turns a Walmart visit in search of the sound track to Pride And Prejudice into a sweet piece of […]

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